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Kehlog Albran I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. Woody Allen Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. Woody Allen If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. Marcel Archard Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Isaac Asimov People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Dave Barry Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Yogi Berra In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. Yogi Berra You can observe a lot by just watching. Victor Borge Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Ashleigh Brilliant My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Jimmy Buffett Indecision may or may not be my problem. George Carlin What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin Some see the glass as half empty, some see the glass as half full. I see the glass as too big. George Carlin A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin Don't you find it funny that all these tough guy boxers are fighting over a purse? Maurice Chevalier Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. Winston Churchill Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. John Cleese If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? Harold Coffin The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. Calvin Coolidge I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Bill Cosby A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. e e cummings I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. Rodney Dangerfield When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Salvador Dali Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it. Ellen DeGeneres My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres People always ask me, "Were you funny as a child?" Well, no, I was an accountant. Phyllis Diller Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Thomas Alva Edison I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Albert Einstein Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Sam Ewing Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. Marty Feldman The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Tina Fey To say I'm an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. W. C. Fields Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! Carrie Fisher As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't. Gerald R. Ford I am a Ford, not a Lincoln. Jeff Foxworthy If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck. J. Paul Getty Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. Mitch Hedberg I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Robert Heller The first myth of management is that it exists. Benny Hill Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect. Kin Hubbard A good listener is usually thinking about something else. Hubert Humphrey Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. Erica Jong Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. Charles Kuralt Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. Doug Larson If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. Doug Larson If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. Doug Larson The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice. Fran Lebowitz Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. Stephen Butler Leacock Advertising may be described as the science of stopping human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Fran Lebowitz To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. Fran Lebowitz The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. Tom Lehrer I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. Tom Lehrer When I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say "girl." Tom Lehrer On my income tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. Steve Martin A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town. Steve Martin How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. Steve Martin Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything! Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. Groucho Marx I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Tom Masson Be yourself is the worst advice you can give to some people. H.L. Mencken A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married. Ogden Nash People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. Robert Orben To err is human and to blame it on a computer is even more so. Dorothy Parker If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. Dolly Parton I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. William Lyon Phelps If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. Emo Philips A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Paula Poundstone I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Joan Rivers I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Will Rogers I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back! Bertrand Russell I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Mark Russell The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Zenna Schaffer Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. Casey Stengel Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa. Casey Stengel The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided. Sharon Stone Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. Henry J. Tillman The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. Lily Tomlin I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Mark Twain Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Mark Twain Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Mae West Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. Robin Williams A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. Earl Wilson If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Oscar Wilde Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Steven Wright I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright You can't have everything. Where would you put it?